The reality of my own body is one of the most terrible realities. Being constantly aware of my nerves, my back, my stomach, my hair puts my own unconscious spirit in the back row. My body is not an illusion, or a vessel. It is a reality.
Day/Page/Sketch #317
I had a friend a few years ago that used to emotionally mistreat me. I was always available, always flexible, always tending any needs. I finally walked out and parted ways. It’s not that I believe codependency is always terrible, or that interdependency is the way to go. I learned to be comfortable somewhere in between.
Day/Page/Sketch #316
A few times in my life I’ve had the feeling of getting to a turning point, a specific moment when I knew my expectations would not be deceiving and so they didn’t have to be lowered. It’s happened perhaps only twice, maybe 3 times? I think that’s plenty.
Day/Page/Sketch #315
It seems like today no one gives out patronage to other people without seeking recognition. The Good Samaritan doesn’t want to remain silent and anonymous anymore, but rather expects being in the spotlight, anticipating the applause, presuming the attention.
Special thanks to the Bouvier Beale family http://www.greygardenscollections.com.
Day/Page/Sketch #314
Sometimes I think that the constant fight to amass things that weigh on us and subjugate us comes from the inability to live the present. What is that I insist on achieving? What happens if I don’t get there?
Day/Page/Sketch #313
So many times I’ve resisted change to break a bad habit by projecting a negative outcome from it, even though I didn’t have any knowledge or experience to validate that projection. Why do we feel so comfortable with our own old ways? Why is it so hard to trust new ones?
Day/Page/Sketch #312
It’s amazing how we can be so unconsciously insensitive sometimes, and say the most hurtful things while being completely unaware of our own stupidity. I think part of that is caused when you have the same kind of friends, that talk the same, think the same, and look the same. Care for someone different than you and you will be a better person.
Day/Page/Sketch #311
Those uncertain and unpunctual moments that strike me unexpectedly, when I feel I don’t know whether I am desperate or not, when everything has a bitter taste. On those moments I feel my hands cold, and my dreams lost in the clouds. It takes a bit of time for me to let them go and recover.
Day/Page/Sketch #310
I struggle sometimes with the idea of having principles and morals when there are so many crazy people in the world. Isn’t our lucidity responsible for their craziness?
Day/Page/Sketch #309
My History teacher in High School was also my college counselor. She reproved me for thinking of a career in Fine Arts. She said it was a waste. My brother was already in college, and he encouraged me to take it. After much thought, I listened to my brother. I’m glad I did. But I also wanted to study architecture. I still do.
Day/Page/Sketch #308
Feeling pessimistic has such a negative stigma these days. I remember when feeling sad about life and yourself was an organic way to handle insurmountable contradictions. I regret that now it means something is wrong with you.
Day/Page/Sketch #307
I see those moments of intense melancholy in a different way now. More like a state of vague dreaminess that nests in indoor spaces.
Day/Page/Sketch #306
Whenever I find anything lost by anyone, I try my best to help getting it back to its owner, because that owner could be me someday, feeling a sudden sense of vertigo for the loss, as if standing on top of a high bridge and looking down.
Day/Page/Sketch #305
I’d like to think that everyone has different kinds of secrets. There are those ones that you want to share with your closest circle, mostly concerning other people, and those ones you simply cannot share with anyone. Those ones are about yourself.
Day/Page/Sketch #304
I believe that the drawback of having expectations for something, or someone, is the huge amount of uncertainty that it awakens. Sometimes, when I teach, I tell my students that my only job is to lower their expectations: it’s a powerful blessing in disguise.
The Havisham Hour 